The geniuses of the animal kingdom

Yes I know that this blog is being accessed and read because it is political. But if you follow this blog at all or have read my book Freedom Permits you will also know that I enjoy humor, satire, hypocrisy, and exposing absurdity in its most beautiful forms. Indulge me my occasional deviation from politics into a universe of thought that completely lacks reason. For that reason many of you will find it entertaining. Some will find it offensive to the animal kingdom. Some will find this rant irrelevant. Many, including myself, will find it a welcome detour from the road of destruction that our nation is currently on.

I read a headline on the Internet this morning that went something like this: “Monkeys are using 700-year-old stone tools to crack nuts”. The headline, accompanied by a story, was in a major national newspaper. The headline makes it sound like the monkeys had fashioned a handled stone hammer or some form of mechanism to drop the stone on a nut in order to gain access to the edible substance inside. What the monkeys were doing was laying nuts on a flat rock and hitting them with a stone wielded by hand. The story pointed out that the monkeys move their feet away from the flat rocks to prevent hitting their toes and held the crushing stone in a specific fashion so as to not mash their fingers. I have only to read headlines and stories like this to understand why print newspaper is on its last legs. To bring this into perspective I can honestly say that I have cracked 30-year-old nuts on 2 billion year old rocks and there was never a national story about that incident. What I would like to do is to provide you with some very timely headlines of my own and an occasional storyline to accompany it.

White polar bears have teamed up with Real Tree Outdoors to develop a camouflage white fur pattern that blends in with the Arctic snow in order to evade detection while sneaking up on a seal. I believe they have been successful in their endeavor.

Chimpanzees have developed a mechanical apparatus (stick) to access deeply embedded termites as a food source. Based on the amount of evolution credited to apes why didn’t they just evolve a really long and really skinny finger?

Many animal species have evolved to the point where they can easily recognize stationary objects that can successfully be used to alleviate dermatological itching.

Horses have developed a method of rolling in a silica-based substance (dirt) in an effort to retard the efforts of biting insects. A human involves himself/herself into the holistic insect control by brushing the dirt off of the horse as soon as it comes back to the barn.

Dogs in past behavioral studies have proven that they can and will urinate at the sound of a whistle. If you get a male human in the bushes he can and will urinate at the drop of a hat.

A nature video has revealed that the otter, an aquatic mammal, is obviously as brilliant as a nut cracking monkey because the otter can crack open a clam using only a rock.

In some of the same areas where the otters live is another aquatic mammal called walrus that has been developing the technique of digging up clams with its oversized tusks. The poor walrus had to develop clam crushing teeth in order to feed on the mollusks because he never evolved fingers with which to hold a rock.

Many land-based mammals have been reduced to fighting global warming by entering an aquatic environment (pond) in order to cool down from the effects of the warming.

Cats have developed a technique of burying their feces in an effort to protect the quality of the groundwater. The problem is they have not cerebrally evolved to the point where placing the feces in the dirt is actually counterproductive to the desired results.

Rodents discovered that having large litters of babies tends to offset the horrendous death toll of their species due to inhumane death traps. Had evolution been kinder to the species by evolving a 200 pound rat they may very well have become the trapper instead of the trapee. I don’t think trapee is an actual word but it serves a purpose in this context.

Pigs are nullifying the man-made deadly cosmic rays that sunburn their delicate skin by developing a dermatological mixture of mud and feces and applying it liberally to the affected areas. They have been selfish in their efforts in this respect because the odor associated with the solution seems to be off-putting to the human users of sunblock. No one seems eager to promote a sunblock containing pig feces even though it would have an SPF of 300.

Spiders have developed engineering marvels called webs and ingeniously suspended the mechanisms in midair in an effort to trap elusive flying food sources.

In a politically incorrect interspecies rivalry wildebeests have taken to crossing crocodile infested rivers twice annually in order to taunt their rivals.

In an unholy overreaction to the taunting by the wildebeests the crocodiles have gone so far as to eat their tormentors.

Large predatory mammals have developed techniques such as hiding in tall grass, bushes, behind rocks and other naturally occurring obstacles. Studies are being funded in an effort to find how and when these predators developed such objectionably human-like covert tactics that take advantage of the unsuspecting weaker species.

Man has developed and is using a fiber that is 1000th the diameter of a human hair to transport and store data. Ho-hum.

Studies should be funded in an effort to discover and reverse how and when the worldly beasts became more intelligent and more important than the planet’s human species.

God Bless America!!!